Last night, amid the evil
You unexpectedly held my face
And said those things
You used to say
And I remembered
That cherished feeling

And I woke up choking
With grief
As if it was yesterday

You were larger than life
Suffocating me with joy
Dwelling on the bright side
Never truly understanding
The darkness I was in

You held out your arms
And tried with all your might
To pull me from my depths
But the black grip held fast

And even your strength
So used to fixing others
Could not fix me

So you gave up
And I left
Your indifference being
Slightly less bearable
Than your disappointment

You deserved your freedom
With honours

Remember those babies I wanted?
The ones you were never ready for?

I have them now
They are so beautiful

Turns out they could save me
No strength required
Just laughter, cuddles
Stick men and whoopee cushions

And I acknowledge daily
The price I paid for them
Losing you

It’s just not been the same
I barely remember happiness
At least within me

Or those shared sunsets we saw
In far flung corners
Backpacks rubbing on sunburnt shoulders

I hope you’re happy now
I hear the stories, you know
You found babies of your own
Or maybe they found you?

I always knew
You couldn’t run forever
Just as I knew
How amazing you’d be as a dad

And I’m glad

Like that old song
I used to play to you
The one you got sick of hearing
On the way to your mother’s house

“And in July, a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade…”

I wish, just sometimes
In the midst of the evil…

“But most of all, when snowflakes fall…
… I wish you love.”

…your hands clutching my face
Saying those things
Protecting me

I wish your love was still here