Jennifer’s Last Letter to Tully

This except is from ‘Tully’ by Paullina Simons. I read the book in my early twenties and it has resonated with me for decades. I could not have dreamed up a better description for my own emotions and mental health. Jennifer’s final note to Tully broke my heart, but also helped me to confirm that I wanted to live. I wanted to fight my demons, and win.

Tully, wrote Jennifer in the dark,

It breaks my heart to break your heart, my Tully, my Natalie Anne Makker, my faithful friend. But Tully, I assure you, you would not have wanted me to live my life out with my soul such a screaming raging zoo. You would not have wanted me to live my life out in such pain. You taught me all I know about caging the animals that run rampant inside me, for the monsters have been running rampant inside you for years. But strength is not like a will: you cannot will it to me. And though you tried to teach me, you could never give me any of your strength. Which is really good, because now God is going to call upon you to summon all your strength, all your iron-clad, gritted-teeth, clenched-fisted will to pull through. And pull through you will have to. Cope you will. I’m sorry, though, Tully. It seems that we all have done nothing but break your poor heart…

‘Tully’ by Paullina Simons