Last night, amid the evil You unexpectedly held my face And said those things You used to say And I remembered That cherished feeling
And I woke up choking With grief As if it was yesterday
You were larger than life Suffocating me with joy Dwelling on the bright side Never truly understanding The darkness I was in
You held out your arms And tried with all your might To pull me from my depths But the black grip held fast
And even your strength So used to fixing others Could not fix me
So you gave up And I left Your indifference being Slightly less bearable Than your disappointment
You deserved your freedom With honours
Remember those babies I wanted? The ones you were never ready for?
I have them now They are so beautiful
Turns out they could save me No strength required Just laughter, cuddles Stick men and whoopee cushions
And I acknowledge daily The price I paid for them Losing you
It’s just not been the same I barely remember happiness At least within me
Or those shared sunsets we saw In far flung corners Backpacks rubbing on sunburnt shoulders
I hope you’re happy now I hear the stories, you know You found babies of your own Or maybe they found you?
I always knew You couldn’t run forever Just as I knew How amazing you’d be as a dad
And I’m glad
Like that old song I used to play to you The one you got sick of hearing On the way to your mother’s house
“And in July, a lemonade To cool you in some leafy glade…”
I wish, just sometimes In the midst of the evil…
“But most of all, when snowflakes fall… … I wish you love.”
…your hands clutching my face Saying those things Protecting me
I wish your love was still here
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